Maya Angelou said, “There is no greater agony than bearing
an untold story inside you”. By this I think she meant that there is nothing
more painful than holding onto your pain and not being able to express your
emotions.
As a black woman I was always told that I was supposed to be
strong. Even when my mother was in the hospital diagnosed with cancer for the
second time, I had to be strong for her and the rest of my family. I was a shy
and very quiet kid so I already didn’t talk to people, but always being told
that I had to be strong made me feel like I couldn’t tell my family how I was
really feeling about my mom. For example, I was at school one day (in the
fourth grade) and this girl told me that my mother was probably going to die
because she had cancer. Looking back, the girl probably didn’t know any better.
Cancer is a very serious disease that many people die from every year. But
being a kid, to hear her say that – it crushed me. It was the first time that I
ever even considered that I could really lose my mom. But I didn’t let anyone
know how I was feeling about the girls words because I was trying to be strong.
Even when my father came to pick my brother and I up from day care and I walked
behind him as he carried my brother and I nearly about to burst into tears – I thought
about that I had to be strong and I sucked it up. I was able to hold it in
until after dinner when I was alone in the bathroom getting ready for my
shower. It was the first time I cried in the shower.
But as black women we have been trained to save our emotions
for the shower so that the loud water drains out our heartfelt tears – that’s why we take so long – or for late at night after
everyone else has gone to sleep. And no matter how hard or how long you were
crying you came out acting as if nothing had happened. We are taught to act as
though crying or expressing our emotion is equivalent to weakness. We do not
have the same privilege as some other girls to grow up and be able to express
our emotions effectively without being told that we have to “be strong”.
Another example: when my boyfriend was in the hospital – he had
3 seizures and no one could tell us what was going on or when/if he would be
okay. His mother, grandmother, and I took turns stepping in and out of the
waiting room, each of us coming back with blood red eyes – the kind of eyes that
had just been crying in pain and fear. I could not admit to them that I didn’t
actually have to use the bathroom 5 times in 20 minutes, but in fact I walked
down to the end of the hall so that I would not disturb them or appear weak
with my uncontrollable tears. Every time I came back, I acted as though nothing
had happened and that I was okay. We were all determined to stick to, what I
like to call, the “strength script”: telling one another that we knew he would
be okay and that we just needed to put it in the Lord’s hands. We use this
strength script to give the illusion that we are okay and that we can handle
the situation that is really making us want to cry or even scream.
It took me a long time to notice that this was a problem
that I had because I spent so many years being commended for my strength. When
I did notice that problem within myself, I also noticed it in my sisters. I
decided for myself that enough was enough and I decided to start talking with a
counselor about how to better express my emotions because holding everything in
was only causing me more pain and stress. My problem was that when I was
feeling insecure, hurt, or sad I would channel it to anger.
It has been very challenging for me to step outside of my
comfort zone and open up to the people I love the most, but it has been so
worth it. I’m living in a new freedom. And even though I still struggle
sometimes I know that it’ll be worth it once I finally figure things out. Now.
. . I am not saying that I cry about everything, but what I am saying is that
when I feel the need to let out my emotions I am able to do that in a way that
is healthy. I want to make sure that the correct emotion is being let out and
that means that when I want to cry I will cry instead of scream or distance
myself from the situation as I have done in the past. I have learned to find
the root of my anger, be it fear, hurt, insecurity, etc.. I have learned to be
comfortable telling others how I am feeling and I have learned to be okay with crying
in front of other people. I am slowly recognizing that I cannot always be
strong, but I am learning to find the strength in my weakness. It is okay to be
vulnerable – especially with the people that care about you the most. Expressing
my emotions does not make me weak – it makes me human.
“Vulnerability is not weakness. And that myth is profoundly
dangerous. Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and
change” – Brené Brown
